‘Sometimes she even pretends to be ill to stop me going out’ (Picture: Neill Webb/Metro.co.uk)
It’s time once again for our weekly Sex Column, our regular series where experts advise readers on the world of relationships.
Last week we gave some tough love to a man who was considering cutting out his stepdaughter from his life.
This week we hear from a woman who is trying to break free from a controlling mother, so she can spend time with her new boyfriend.
Let’s see if there’s a solution to this upsetting situation.
Even though I’m 21, I only recently got my first boyfriend and lost my virginity to him. I’ve gone from having no experience of sex to thinking about it all the time but it’s mostly fantasy as I only spend a few hours with him each week. This is because I don’t live like normal girls of my age. My mum hates me having a life of my own and expects me to keep her company all the time. Sometimes she even pretends to be ill to stop me going out.
I’ve never known my dad and I have no siblings. It’s always just been me and mum and I’ve grown up adoring her – but now I’m really starting to resent her, too.
I met a guy through my job and for the past four months I’ve been going out with him a couple of times a week after work. Every time I do this my mum has a complete meltdown. My boyfriend says I should leave her and get my own place but I can’t afford it.
I’m afraid I’ll lose him to some other girl who can give him what he wants out of a relationship. I want to be free but while my mum is alive, I don’t think this will happen.
What the expert says:
This is a sex column, but your problem isn’t really about sex – it’s about how you can break free from the bonds tying you to your mum. But let’s first address the worry that your boyfriend might leave you for someone else – if he does, he’s not the guy for you anyway. Meeting him was the catalyst you needed to escape your mother’s control but with or without him, it’s something you must do anyway.
Now to your mum, who is clearly terrified of losing you. I know you don’t want to hurt her but you’re an adult and need to act in your own best interests. Calmly tell her when you’re going out or won’t be home till late. Act with kindness but stand your ground. Do this repeatedly and it will get easier each time. Remind yourself that she is your parent, you’re not hers, and you can’t be responsible for her any longer.
Your mum really needs counselling, because behind this is her fear of abandonment and probably unresolved pain from your father leaving her.
I hope your boyfriend …read more
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